I was just trying to go to bed, and trying to pray, and felt the need to confess all the dour, sinful things I've been feeling about myself. I don't know if this is true, but it seems like it might help me to repent of them if I actually release them from my mind. So, here it goes...
I feel like I lack all beauty.
I feel like I am a stupid bitch.
I feel like I have no worth.
I feel like I somehow spoil all my dreams.
I feel like I have no more dreams.
I feel like I have no right to dream.
I feel like I am conspired against.
I feel like I am completely undeserving of goodness.
I feel like I have a reason to hate myself.
I feel like I am utterly unloveable.
I feel like I can't do anything right.
I feel like my body mocks me.
I feel like I am unfixable.
I feel like happiness is unattainable.
I feel like no one's love would be adequate to make me feel worthy.
I feel like I constantly mock God.
I feel like I'm already on a journey in hell.
I feel like my fleeting moments of gratefulness get swallowed by despair.
I feel like I am a horrible Christian.
I feel like I am a terrible person.
I feel like I can never quite make the right decision.
I feel like I've seen my life's best years already.
I feel like if I dream, it will just be stolen from me.
I feel like I am over run by morbid prophecies.
I feel like I have been left out in the cold.
I feel like someone is hiding life's secret from me.
I feel like I won't find it.
I feel like my attempts to love people are overshadowed by my cruelty.
I feel like God talks to me about other people and not about myself.
I feel like my pride is unconquerable.
I feel like I can't even understand hope.
I feel like I a fool.
I feel like I can't repent, because I can't get to all my sins and the places that they hide.
I feel like nothing can help me.
I feel like this is a stupid way to say all this, but that it makes sense, given my own stupidity.
I feel like people look at me and see all my wasted potential.
I feel like I am shallow for wanting to look beautiful again.
I feel like failure is my calling.
I feel like I am trapped.
I feel like some people must have been built for constant suffering.
I feel like I am one of those people, but
I feel like an ungrateful wretch for thinking I suffer anywhere as much as others.
I feel like a hypocrite for believing suffering is good, and hating going through it.
I feel confused about why some people never seem to suffer.
I feel like a horrible wife.
I feel like I am incomprehensible.
I feel like I fail at everything I try.
I feel completely alone.
I feel like I've lived a fake life.
I feel confused about what in my life has been real.
I feel like I can't see the stars clearly anymore.
I feel like people in my life have routinely crushed my dreams.
I feel like I want the childlike wonder back.
I feel like I have no faith.
I feel like I can understand nothing of God and His word.
I feel like God is repelling me.
I feel lost.
And the greatest of these is love.
What does that mean?
I feel tired. Goodnight.
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