Last night, I told our youth group a tiny bit about what I was like in high school. They were surprised when I said that I was a complete snob--apparently, they don't see me as a person who struggles with snobbery, which is kind of a nice thought. Maybe I've beaten it down enough for people who meet me now not to notice it right away.
The thing that scares me is that when I look back on who I was in high school, I am both disgusted and wistful. What if that was the "best" I'll ever be and what if that was the "best" I'll ever have it? I was beautiful and successful. I was valedictorian, joint enrolled at the local college, in a (seemingly) fantastic relationship with a guy who worshiped me and wrote me thousands of pages of love letters, and I had several other guys who wanted to be with me. I could be wrong and just overly inflated, but it seemed like there were quite a few people who wanted to BE me. I was flying high, and had little tolerance for those who annoyed me or were perceived as getting in my way.
It seems obvious that this arrogance and self-centeredness should disgust me; that person was so far from who I'd been my whole life until that point, and is not the type of person I want to be now. I was a very compassionate, empathetic child: I wept for people who were in pain, and when I had the chance, I did everything I could to bear that pain for them. When I think of who I want to be now, I feel like I'm constantly grasping to get back to my innocent, sweet childhood self.
The part of the person I was in high school that I am wistful for is the confident person who believes that I can achieve anything, because I am meant to achieve things and gifted unto that end. That person didn't walk around constantly believing herself to be a failure at life. That person didn't dissolve into a messy self-loathing tantrum when she didn't do something perfectly. Of course, neither did the childhood version of myself, I don't think...
Whatever. The main point of this post is not to lament about how I'm not who I want to be, but rather, to write an apology to Mr. B (whose first name escapes me.) He was my physics teacher in high school, and I rejoiced at torturing him and proving myself better than him any chance I got. I'm hoping to find his address and be able to actually mail an apology, but if I can't, at least I will have put it "out there." Some information is left out for privacy reasons.
Dear Mr. B,I am not sure if you will remember me; I was a physics student of yours. I am writing to apologize for my arrogant and cruel attitudes and actions towards you. You were incredibly long suffering towards me--despite my treatment of you--and that is one of the many things that cause me to remember you as one of the most humble people I have ever met. I, however, chose to despise that sweet virtue, and instead acted callously and viciously against you. I am deeply sorry for this. Will you please forgive me?I remember that you had a heart for the homeless and needy, and chose to make yourself poor so as to live amongst them and to show them the heart of Christ. This is something I deeply respect; I pray that I could have such a selfless heart that is so bent towards Christ that I could do the same out of love for Him and others. May God bless you for your kindness towards me and all the others; may He have blessed you all these years.
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