Oceans of Inquiry

God knows I am not one of His pure-hearted children. I'm too selfish, too sensual. I'm not one of the people who gets broken over my own wickedness very often, but I somehow deeply feel the effects of sin in the world in ways other people don't. I can't see God's holiness and realize my fallenness very well, but I can get a high off His beauty.

I'm one of His vainest children.

I know shades of the glory that is living in the joy of His presence, and I know that I long to live in it constantly, but I'm a glutton for my own ideas and pleasures.

The thing about penitence is that you have to want it, and I really don't. I'd have to be sorry for sinning, to turn from it wholeheartedly. I can't hang on to it and justify my enjoyment of it. I can't play God and Saint together.

When I close my eyes and breathe in the intoxicating, sweet remembrance of righteous living in God's presence, I want it. But I want it selfishly; I want it because it's the best high. I don't want it because I want Him and love Him. Furthermore, I'm not even sure if I want Him because it's what I'm made to do, because loving Him is the most natural desire of the human soul. I'm suspicious that I want Him because He's the best I'll ever have. "I" in that sentence is god, not God.

It disgusts and confuses me.

Is this the beginning of penitence, or just popular, self-righteous loathing?

God, help me...for I know not what to do.

Dear people of God: the first Christians observed with great devotion the days of our Lord's passion and resurrection, and it became the custom of the Church to prepare for them with a season of penitence and fasting.  This season of Lent provided a time in which converts to the faith were prepared for Holy Baptism.  It was also a time when those who, because of notorious sins, had been separated from the Body of the faithful were reconciled by penitence and forgiveness, and restored to fellowship with the Church.  Thereby, the whole congregation was put in mind the message of pardon and absolution set forth in the Gospel of our Saviour, and of the need which all Christians continually have to renew their repentance and faith. 

I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God's holy Word.  And, to make a right beginning of repentance, and as a mark of our mortal nature, let us now kneel before the Lord, our maker and redeemer. 

Almighty God, you have created us out of the dust of the earth: Grant that these ashes may be a sign of our mortality and penitence, that we may remember that it is only by your gracious gift that we are given everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Saviour, Amen. 

Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

--BCP

Sometimes, when I long for love, I forget that I know Him.

Lately, God's been giving me this sense of "I love you" for no apparent reason. Well, I guess the fact that I need Him is reason enough, but aside from that.....yeah.

It's nice. And I'm not fighting it...just kinda...basking. He's making me want Him again; and that's pretty cool :-)

So my 2009 began in a prophetic meeting service thingy.

I could go into a long drawn out explanation of why I'm leery of prophetic meeting thingies. There's an interesting history involving well-intentioned people and a youthful ignorance about charismatic doctrine that was quickly...nonignoranced. But the past isn't really going to help put much in perspective this time. Neither is a debate on the merits of doctrine questioning the validity of prophecy in modern times.

The fact of the matter is, for as much as my relationship with God has become sort of like those marriages where the involved parties live in the same house, share the same bed and go through the motions of building a life together without actively knowing each other anymore, I knew that He had a reason for bringing me to that spot. And I knew that I wasn't really going to buy whatever any preacher man had to say. Or I would at least...chew on it and try to dissect it and otherwise, you know, rationalize.

So it came as no real surprise to me when the guy picked me out of the row and had me stand in the aisle to pray over me. It came as no surprise when he used the word "annointing" about 3 times in 30 seconds; his type is rather fond of the word "annointing" I'm not, but hey.

He said a lot of things, but the thing that got me most was a fervent "open the door to believing again!" that almost seemed an afterthought in prayer. My sisters pick on the fact that he called me "strong and bullheaded," attributing such characteristics to our dad. What if I am? It means I haven't given up.

I know that a lot of what is marketed as prophecy tends to be super generalized and broadly applicable, but I also believe that God knows what I need....and He gives it to me.

Now if we could just get back to the "yep, I trust You, lead me off the cliff...." point.

Summer '05

Last night, I told our youth group a tiny bit about what I was like in high school.  They were surprised when I said that I was a complete snob--apparently, they don't see me as a person who struggles with snobbery, which is kind of a nice thought.  Maybe I've beaten it down enough for people who meet me now not to notice it right away.

Dear Mr. B,

     I am not sure if you will remember me; I was a physics student of yours.  I am writing to apologize for my arrogant and cruel attitudes and actions towards you. You were incredibly long suffering towards me--despite my treatment of you--and that is one of the many things that cause me to remember you as one of the most humble people I have ever met.  I, however, chose to despise that sweet virtue, and instead acted callously and viciously against you.  I am deeply sorry for this.  Will you please forgive me?  

      I remember that you had a heart for the homeless and needy, and chose to make yourself poor so as to live amongst them and to show them the heart of Christ.  This is something I deeply respect; I pray that I could have such a selfless heart that is so bent towards Christ that I could do the same out of love for Him and others.  May God bless you for your kindness towards me and all the others; may He have blessed you all these years.  

I was just trying to go to bed, and trying to pray, and felt the need to confess all the dour, sinful things I've been feeling about myself.  I don't know if this is true, but it seems like it might help me to repent of them if I actually release them from my mind.  So, here it goes...