Oceans of Inquiry

God knows I am not one of His pure-hearted children. I'm too selfish, too sensual. I'm not one of the people who gets broken over my own wickedness very often, but I somehow deeply feel the effects of sin in the world in ways other people don't. I can't see God's holiness and realize my fallenness very well, but I can get a high off His beauty.

I'm one of His vainest children.

I know shades of the glory that is living in the joy of His presence, and I know that I long to live in it constantly, but I'm a glutton for my own ideas and pleasures.

The thing about penitence is that you have to want it, and I really don't. I'd have to be sorry for sinning, to turn from it wholeheartedly. I can't hang on to it and justify my enjoyment of it. I can't play God and Saint together.

When I close my eyes and breathe in the intoxicating, sweet remembrance of righteous living in God's presence, I want it. But I want it selfishly; I want it because it's the best high. I don't want it because I want Him and love Him. Furthermore, I'm not even sure if I want Him because it's what I'm made to do, because loving Him is the most natural desire of the human soul. I'm suspicious that I want Him because He's the best I'll ever have. "I" in that sentence is god, not God.

It disgusts and confuses me.

Is this the beginning of penitence, or just popular, self-righteous loathing?

God, help me...for I know not what to do.