Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Oh, God...I used to believe...help my unbelief

Summer '05



Posted by: Natalie
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Monday, December 15, 2008

A Letter to a Good Man

Last night, I told our youth group a tiny bit about what I was like in high school.  They were surprised when I said that I was a complete snob--apparently, they don't see me as a person who struggles with snobbery, which is kind of a nice thought.  Maybe I've beaten it down enough for people who meet me now not to notice it right away.


The thing that scares me is that when I look back on who I was in high school, I am both disgusted and wistful.  What if that was the "best" I'll ever be and what if that was the "best" I'll ever have it?  I was beautiful and successful.  I was valedictorian, joint enrolled at the local college, in a (seemingly) fantastic relationship with a guy who worshiped me and wrote me thousands of pages of love letters, and I had several other guys who wanted to be with me.  I could be wrong and just overly inflated, but it seemed like there were quite a few people who wanted to BE me.  I was flying high, and had little tolerance for those who annoyed me or were perceived as getting in my way. 

It seems obvious that this arrogance and self-centeredness should disgust me; that person was so far from who I'd been my whole life until that point, and is not the type of person I want to be now.  I was a very compassionate, empathetic child: I wept for people who were in pain, and when I had the chance, I did everything I could to bear that pain for them.  When I think of who I want to be now, I feel like I'm constantly grasping to get back to my innocent, sweet childhood self.  

The part of the person I was in high school that I am wistful for is the confident person who believes that I can achieve anything, because I am meant to achieve things and gifted unto that end.  That person didn't walk around constantly believing herself to be a failure at life.  That person didn't dissolve into a messy self-loathing tantrum when she didn't do something perfectly.  Of course, neither did the childhood version of myself, I don't think...

Whatever.  The main point of this post is not to lament about how I'm not who I want to be, but rather, to write an apology to Mr. B (whose first name escapes me.)  He was my physics teacher in high school, and I rejoiced at torturing him and proving myself better than him any chance I got.  I'm hoping to find his address and be able to actually mail an apology, but if I can't, at least I will have put it "out there."  Some information is left out for privacy reasons.

Dear Mr. B,

     I am not sure if you will remember me; I was a physics student of yours.  I am writing to apologize for my arrogant and cruel attitudes and actions towards you. You were incredibly long suffering towards me--despite my treatment of you--and that is one of the many things that cause me to remember you as one of the most humble people I have ever met.  I, however, chose to despise that sweet virtue, and instead acted callously and viciously against you.  I am deeply sorry for this.  Will you please forgive me?  

      I remember that you had a heart for the homeless and needy, and chose to make yourself poor so as to live amongst them and to show them the heart of Christ.  This is something I deeply respect; I pray that I could have such a selfless heart that is so bent towards Christ that I could do the same out of love for Him and others.  May God bless you for your kindness towards me and all the others; may He have blessed you all these years.  





Posted by: Natalie
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Friday, December 5, 2008

Feeling Confessional

I was just trying to go to bed, and trying to pray, and felt the need to confess all the dour, sinful things I've been feeling about myself.  I don't know if this is true, but it seems like it might help me to repent of them if I actually release them from my mind.  So, here it goes...


I feel like I lack all beauty.
I feel like I am a stupid bitch.
I feel like I have no worth.
I feel like I somehow spoil all my dreams.
I feel like I have no more dreams.
I feel like I have no right to dream.
I feel like I am conspired against.
I feel like I am completely undeserving of goodness.
I feel like I have a reason to hate myself.
I feel like I am utterly unloveable. 
I feel like I can't do anything right.
I feel like my body mocks me.
I feel like I am unfixable.
I feel like happiness is unattainable.
I feel like no one's love would be adequate to make me feel worthy.
I feel like I constantly mock God.
I feel like I'm already on a journey in hell.
I feel like my fleeting moments of gratefulness get swallowed by despair.
I feel like I am a horrible Christian.
I feel like I am a terrible person.
I feel like I can never quite make the right decision.
I feel like I've seen my life's best years already.
I feel like if I dream, it will just be stolen from me.
I feel like I am over run by morbid prophecies.
I feel like I have been left out in the cold.
I feel like someone is hiding life's secret from me.
I feel like I won't find it. 
I feel like my attempts to love people are overshadowed by my cruelty.
I feel like God talks to me about other people and not about myself.
I feel like my pride is unconquerable. 
I feel like I can't even understand hope.
I feel like I a fool. 
I feel like I can't repent, because I can't get to all my sins and the places that they hide.
I feel like nothing can help me.
I feel like this is a stupid way to say all this, but that it makes sense, given my own stupidity.
I feel like people look at me and see all my wasted potential.
I feel like I am shallow for wanting to look beautiful again.
I feel like failure is my calling.
I feel like I am trapped.
I feel like some people must have been built for constant suffering.
I feel like I am one of those people, but 
I feel like an ungrateful wretch for thinking I suffer anywhere as much as others.
I feel like a hypocrite for believing suffering is good, and hating going through it.
I feel confused about why some people never seem to suffer.
I feel like a horrible wife.
I feel like I am incomprehensible.
I feel like I fail at everything I try.
I feel completely alone.
I feel like I've lived a fake life.
I feel confused about what in my life has been real.
I feel like I can't see the stars clearly anymore.
I feel like people in my life have routinely crushed my dreams.
I feel like I want the childlike wonder back. 
I feel like I have no faith.
I feel like I can understand nothing of God and His word.
I feel like God is repelling me.
I feel lost.


And the greatest of these is love.

What does that mean?

I feel tired.  Goodnight.

Posted by: Natalie
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